come to the light side
by wirlybird
Summary: pointless parodyharry is addicted to a behaviour altering substance, and draco wants to talk to him. plz R&R, pretty please? with whipped cream and a cherry?
1. Chapter 1

Harry jumped almost a foot off the bench he was sitting at when he felt the poking finger in his back.

"GYAAH! What the hell?" he said, swiveling around to see his attacker, Draco Malfoy, standing right behind him, with his face right in front of Harry's.

"Potter, we need to talk."

"Oh. That's the warning sign that things in our relationship has been going a bit off, eh?"

"Relationship? You mean our obscene hatred of each other?"

"Yes. That sentence is what you say when you want to break up,"

"What sentence?" Draco asked, a puzzled look on his face.

"Quote 'We need to talk' unquote. Don't you know anything about relationships?"

"Well, actually, I do, but I'm not sure we have _that_ kind of relationship. You're talking about _love_ relationships. _We_ have a hate relationship going here. Which I was actually rather hoping we could talk about."

Harry sighed.

"Alright. I guess I could go have a chat to you about our relationship, Draco."

"Would you stop talking like that? It's starting to kinda creep me out."

"Talking like what?" Harry asked, his face mirroring Draco's earlier puzzled look.

"Like we're going out, Scarhead."

"Oh, was I? Sorry Ferret."

Draco sighed, grabbed Harry's arm and led him away from the Gryffindor table. Harry waved at his friends, who were thoroughly confused by this point, and then skipped along beside Draco.

"What was that about?" asked Hermione, hoping that someone could give her a logical answer.

"No idea, Hermione, no idea." Replied Ron, who immediately went back to his breakfast.

Hermione looked puzzled for another few minutes before her stomach got the better of her.

"So, you wanted to have a chat about our relationship?" Harry asked as soon as the silencing and locking charms were up around the empty charms classroom.

"Yes. But before I do I want to ask you, are you on any drugs? Imperious curse? Or any other behaviour altering substances?"

"Not unless you count sugar."

"Sugar?"

Harry 'hmm'ed his assent and stood on the back of a chair with his hands out for balance.

"How much sugar? In how much time?" Draco asked, curious as to how much sugar it took to get this high.

"Well, there was the ten chocolate frogs at 2 AM, four packets of every flavor beans at 2:30, and a monster pack of fizz bombs at 3, as well as a couple bottles of butterbeer. That's all."

"That's _all?_"

Harry 'hmm'ed again.

"How many times have you done this, potter?"

"Oh, about every three days. It's a healthier, and much less addictive, alternative to drugs. Tastier too."

"When's the next bout?"

"Whenever I feel like it. Today we have double potions, so I'll probably go again tonight. Why?"

"Would you mind if I join you?"

"Of course not! But you'll have to sneak into Hogsmeade with me. I'm all out."

"Where will I meet you?"

"Room of Requirement, at 10. I leave for Hogsmeade at 10:15. don't be late."

"Draco nodded, and took down the charms.

"See you, Potter." He said as he walked out of the room.

Harry jumped onto another chair back and continued all the way around the room, then conjured some invisible poo and whoopee cessions on various chairs, before leaving to go to Potions.


	2. Chapter 2

Potions, as usual, was a drag.

Although it was amusing to watch harry jumping around on the backs of chairs across the classroom to get his ingredients, then hopping back. At 10:00 sharp Draco snuck into the room of requirement and sat down on a chair that was there.

Harry burst out laughing. Draco had sat in the invisible poo covered chair.

Harry fell over, still howling with laughter.

Harry was STILL laughing when 10:14 rolled around.

At 10:15 exactly, harry ceased laughing, stood up, collected his map and cloak, and put the cloak around them both and left the room and went down the hall, down the marble staircase, through the entrance hall and out onto the grounds.

"Won't the gates be locked, Potter?" Draco said, looking a bit scared.

"nope!" cried harry happily, and he started giggling. Draco looked at him funny and then dropped the cloak off his shoulders. Said invisibility cloak was then pulled completely around harry, who started running around Draco making chicken noises and poking him.

When they finally reached the gates fifteen minutes later, harry was still clucking. Surprisingly, the gates WERE open, and Draco and invisible harry went into Hogsmeade.

When they reached Honeydukes harry had calmed down a bit, and was now only softly cooing like a pigeon. Draco kicked him.

"HEY! What was that for!" harry yelled at the blonde boy.

"I always wanted to do that…"Draco mused.

"Do what?"

"kick a pigeon."

Harry gave him an indignant look, then started prodding the older boy with his nose.

"what the hell?"

"COO!" pigeon-harry yelled.

Draco ran through the window in Honeydukes, which was immediately replaced with a new pane of glass. Draco grinned, then started jumping back and fourth, smashing glass everywhere.

"harry walked through and went straight to the counter to get a couple of sacks.

Draco got two of his own, and started filling them with the most highly potent lollies in the store-penguin bombs, a lolly shaped like a tiny penguin which, upon contact with your mouth, expanded to three times its original size, then shot ice cold chocolate frog poo down your throat. Chocolate frog poo was more sugary than a handful of sugar.

While he was doing this, harry was at the barrel of every flavor beans, picking out al the good ones, and putting them in his sack. The ones he couldn't fit were transfigured into poo flavored ones.

The boys then snuck into Snape's bedroom. Snape was asleep. The operative term is WAS! The boys started eating everything in the room, including Snape.

Harry got his nose.

please review.

i can buy sugar with them...then i can write more!


	3. POTATOES!

Review replies-

Sini- yes, I do believe I am mental. But then, I only write these ones when im on sugar highs, so expect some strangeness….

Phantomandvampirelover- thanks, I will continue when I have an overload of sugar!(sorry for not putting this in last chappie…)

All-knowing Alien- why thank you, kind sir! Does a weird bow and falls over

"Ten little potatoes, waiting to be peeled, ten little potatoes, waiting to be peeled!" Hermione sang, "And if Hermy came along with a big potato peeler, there'd be nine little potatoes, waiting to be peeled!"

She put the peeled potato onto the dishrack(why they have one in the hogwarts kitchens I've no idea), grabbed a potato from the bucket and began peeling said potato.

"Nine little potatoes, waiting to be peeled!" she sang happily.

It was just ast lunchtime, and Hermione was determined to cook for the one she loved with all her heart.

"Excuses me, miss Hermoniny, but shouldn't you bees getting back to your classes?" a small voice squeaked from the corner, where the house elves were tied up to prevent them from stopping Hermione from doing work. How dare they try to stop her from cooking for her beloved?

Hermione sent a death glare in the direction of the corner, until the elf died from it. It only took a minute, as house elves are particularly susceptible to glares, and more than two seconds of a good death glare could kill them.

Hermione finished peeling the potatoes, and moved on to cutting them up.

"twelve little potatoes, sitting in the dishrck, twelve little potatoes, sitting in the dishrck! And if hermy came along with a choppingboard and a knife, there'd be eleven little potatoes, sitting in the dishrack!"

she worked her way down to one and then pulled a huge pot that was shaped like a hollowed out statue of naked Filch. How it came into bing she had no idea, nor did she want to, but there was one in the cupboard of each of the teachers, even Dumbledore.

"lots of bits of potato, sitting on the board, lots of bits of potato, sitting on the board! And if hermy came along, woth a pot half full of water, there'd be…" she trailed off, unsure of how many pieces were left on the chopping board, "slightly fewer bits of potato, sitting on the chopping board!"

She put the pot on the fire, and went off to explore the kitchens.

She found a weird room with a bed in it off to the side of the kitchens, and there, on the silk sheets, sat a huge white dog, chained to the bed. It was obviously male, because Hermione could see its…_dangly bits_. She made a mental note of the dog; her beloved loved animals, and would surely love to come and get to know this fine specimen.

Ron sat on the edge of the astronomy tower, contemplating the chances of flight. In the end he went for it, and slid his legs over the paraet, and kicked off.

On the way down, he bashed his head really hard against that of professor Dumbledore, who was looking at the grounds below.

Ron landed, dead, on top of some poor Hufflepuff first year, who promptly started yelling about having some smelly corpse land on him.

Hagrid was surprised when Hermione didn't show up on his way to the Great Hall for dinner, as she normally did. Not that he didn't enjoy it, because he dd, very much. The girl threw herself on him, and he eagerly accepted, and begged her to stay the night with him almost every day, but she refused to be antwhere but under Harry's bed at nighttime, as she delighted in scaring himwhen he gt up n the middle of the night to use the loo by charming her hand to look like a claw and grabbing at his ankles from her hiding spot. One time he had wet himself.

As Hagrid sat at his spot at the table a puff of smoke appeared, and befre him on the table was a huge bowl of mashed potatoes, but in the middle of the bowl Hermione sat, nude, with mashed potatoes forming a bell skirt from her hips. All the teachers at the table either fainted, screames or drooled. Snape, minus nose and a few toes, however, walked up to the bowl of mashed potatoes and bent over so his face was at the level of the rim of the bowl, then he dropped his face in, and then pulled it out again, now covered with mashed potatoes. Hermione screamed as he walked away, and climbed out of her bowl, then ran toward the man. She promptly tackled him to the ground, then flipped him over so he was face up, and scraped all the mashed potatoes off his face, then walked back to her bowl before hopping in, never noticing that on her walk back, her mashed potato was on snapes robes, not her body, and that everyone, including a pair of drooling Weasley twins, and a very, very dazed looking Hagrid.

MUAHAHAHAAAAAA!

POTATOES!throws potatoes hee hee!


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